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So,

I've only been home since last night...so not even an entire day.  It's probably unfair to judge things by how they've gone so far....so I won't :) It's not all bliss, ponies and rainbows.  It's a lot of stressing about drinking enough water and trying to figure out how to keep my nausea/other "stuff" under control.  BUT--- I'm HOME!  The first thing I did was lay in my bed and cry.  It's just so liberating being out of there!  Obviously, I still covet your prayers, but I do know I'm on the road to recovery.  With God, ALL things are possible.

One thing I wanted to address on here was part of my hospital stay.  So, I'm a Christian.  Most of you know that by now.  One pretty crucial part of that, for me, is having some alone time to think/pray/listen to worship music, whatever.  Well guess what, that's pretty stinking impossible to accomplish when you're in the hospital and you feel like CRAP.  Half the time I don't get a chance to do that when I'm feeling awesome.  Think about when you're at your lowest low and you just want to feel some sort of encouragement, some sort of that unconditional love you can't find anywhere but Jesus.... His spirit lives inside of us, of course, but I am gonna be candid.... I wasn't feeling a darn thing.  I was like... Jesus I need you.  I will tell you, even though I couldn't physically "feel" anything I took God at His word, that He would never leave nor forsake us.  I wasn't gonna die but LIVE and proclaim the works of the Lord, basically just meditating on Gods Word, the Bible.  It wasn't all the time, it wasn't constant, but I knew I had promises to stand on.

I'm saying all of that to say this: there's a scripture in Psalm 23 that says "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil......." It goes on from there, but that scripture is talking through desperation.  It's saying.... There WILL be times when you're walking through the valley of the shadow of DEATH, there's a million songs I can name and scriptures describing times when we're just so cold to the things of God, or so far away we don't think we can ever come back.... I guess I want to encourage you that you can stand on Gods Word.  And even if you don't feel a thing in that moment.  STAND.  STAND on that Word because it's true.

I had the opportunity to get by myself today and just thank God for bringing me through the junk I went through.... and asking Him to help me with the road ahead.  And I promise you I heard him say, so easily, "don't you know that with me all things are possible?" And then I just thanked Him for His provision and I promise you again I heard him say "Don't you know you're the daughter of the Most High God?"--that's all I need for the rest of my life to re affirm my faith when I'm feeling down.  And I just felt His presence, which is invaluable.

That probably seems like a bunch of spiritual mumbo jumbo but for real.  When you feel like you're so far away from God, I promise you He's still right there.  He loves you so much and He wants a relationship with you.  I have a long road ahead of me.... I'm sitting here typing this in my bald head wrapped with my yellow blankie thinking about barfing or napping, so there's a glimpse of the road I'm on.... but please be encouraged that God wants what's best for us, no matter what the circumstances around us look like!

Finally!

Man, it's kind of bitter sweet when you're excited they've scheduled a bone marrow transplant finally.  I'll give you a minute to swallow that.  Normally, I would NOT be excited in the least (except to have the end in sight!), but considering the past 3 weeks.... I'd say that's plenty of set backs and let's get the show on the road.

Since I last updated I was released from Soin, a local hospital, where I spent 5 days.  They were looking for some sort of infection because I kept getting fevers.  Well, 2 hospital stays later, some frustrating conversations with doctors, they found my symptoms to be myeloma related to they want me in for transplant ASAP.  I don't know "why" it's had to be this difficult..... I am thankful, so thankful for the people around me helping me every moment!  Especially My seester Amy and bro Marshall for letting me stay at their house and recover recently!  I will say that through this I KNOW, already, some of the small nuggets Gods been teaching me along the way.  Some, not easy lessons to digest.  And the rest of it I'm like... I'm moving forward and embracing hope and saying God show me the doors to walk through when this is over.  Show me what YOU want my life to look like.  That's a tall order folks.  That order calls for change, and it also calls to NOT care what others think about my decisions.  I get hung up on that so much.  But I'm learning, it doesn't matter.  Gods opinion is the only one I care about, tough pill to swallow?  For some, but that's where I'm at.

So transplant is scheduled for THIS Monday, 3/3.  This is a 16-18 day hospital stay.... they'll give me a high dose of chemo, infuse my healthy stem cells back into me, and watch them grow!  It's such a long stay because the chemo causes all of my counts to sort of nose dive and it can be very easy to get infection during that time, so they really have to monitor you.  It's a pretty high dose of chemo so a lot of people struggle with nausea, etc.  So pray for no nausea, and pray that God is working on and with every single doctor and nurse on my team.  God, give them wisdom and help this to be the smoothest ever!  I think it's days 4-6 that'll be the toughest for me side-effect wise, so keep me in prayer a lot Thurs-Sat, please :)

And I'm ready to start looking ahead.  This whole thing had me sort of stuck in the very sticky place that it is for some time, and it's sometimes hard to look past that.  However, I'm choosing to look ahead.  Like the Proverbs 31 woman who laughs without fear of the future.  Ha!  So now you're all updated.  Not sure I'll get a chance to update in hospital, we will see.  Thanks everyone for praying, I appreciate it more than you know!

oxoxox
Leslie